Is Having A Preference Rooted In Transphobia?

I’m trying my hardest not to be the person who says “I’m not racist. I have Black friends”. But I definitely feel like this is going to come off that way with this transphobia conversation. So bare with me while I fumble through this.

eccentric woman with dark makeup and dyed orange hair
Photo by Kamaji Ogino

The Letter Gang

I whole-heartedly support the LGBTQIA+ movement and the people associated with it. I also understand the importance of intersectionality. As a Black woman, I know the look and feel of oppression. I am not an expert on the impact of homophobia and transphobia outside of what I see and read. I will never face that type of discrimination because I identify as a cis woman.


With that being said, I genuinely have questions about what constitutes as transphobia and homophobia when it pertains to preferences. Personally, I would date a transgender man or bisexual man. I use these two examples because they always seem to be the most controversial topics with regards to dating. Of course I had to do some research and I feel it’s important to share what I learned with you all to maybe help explain why preference can be transphobic or homophobic.

Before I begin, please feel free to provide any feedback on this topic. I am always wanting to learn. Constructive criticisms are how we get better.

Preferences vs Transphobia

Let’s first dive into the idea of preferences. The literal definition of preference is a” greater liking for one alternative over another or others”. This very generic and vague definition basically says liking one thing better than another. Preferences work with objects such as foods, drinks or even activities. Preferring Pepsi over Coca-Cola. Can you prefer dating on type of person over another? Race? Cis? Trans?

How The Mind Works

If yes is the response to that question, does your answer contain irrational bias? Can you prefer one race over the other without negative stereotypical reasonings as to why? Often times the reasons behind why we would not date a certain type of person based on a stereotype. So not actually getting to know the person, is usually because of irrational biases. Misconceptions and proximity from specific groups shape the way we act and treat individuals. The further in proximity the more outlandish our views or beliefs become. It’s actually a natural reaction.

Fear of Judgement

Another reason Straight or Cis people do not want to or are afraid to date a transgendered person because of the belief they will be perceived as gay or queer. Beyond the outward criticism individuals fear, where is the line drawn between preference and transphobia? I think the argument can be made about genital preference and it not be a transphobic remark. I’ll use myself in this argument. I prefer dick…lol periodt. I do not care whether that dick is attached to a Cis male or Trans male… its dick and I like it. That is my preference.

Preference or… ?

I would say it depends on the preference. This is not to boil people down to what’s between their legs. It’s more so to explain that the preference most people hold are based on sexual things and not the person. Therefore, it is important to explore and discuss all aspects even when it’s uncomfortable. I believe it is 100% transphobic to state you will not date a trans person on the basis of them just being trans. It is not transphobic to state I am a Cis female and I have a genital preference of penis because this does not exclude a particular group or shame an group of people .

The Lesson

The lesson of this is to just be respectful and learn to deal with your biases. You have them. Whether you know it or not. Figure out if they are rooted in phobia or hate and unlearn that shit.

A good amount of peoples reasonings as to why a trans person doesn’t deserve respect stems from shit that also applies to Cis women and men. And these things are not valid critiques. Using your religion is also not valid because not everyone is religious and it does not always apply to them. Or even if they are religious, it may not be the same religion so you can still relax. Newsflash no one is required to live by your beliefs. If it doesn’t hurt or disregard someone else’s live or being then do you baby!!!!

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